Christmas Eve

Christmas post still to come, but just wanted to post these photos from Christmas Eve.

We have started a family tradition of visiting Hannah's grave every Christmas Eve morning. It brought up a lot of emotions sitting at her grave this year with another baby there with us - I guess I still find it hard to comprehend that Hannah is no longer here with us, but that we do have another baby who is here. I know I have a daughter in heaven, and I know I have a daughter here on earth, but sometimes my mind struggles to comprehend the fact that both of those things are equally true. It's hard to understand having daughters in both places.

We decorated Hannah's grave for Christmas.

Hannah Grace, we love you and miss you at lot again this Christmas.

Welcome, Abigail!!

Our rainbow baby has arrived!!! Abigail Sophia arrived safely at 10:51am on October 28th, 2012. Everything went well and she is healthy and thriving :) We are so in love with her!

Abigail, 4 hours old

 Abigail at 2 days old

We are so excited to have her here with us, and enjoying every moment with her! We certainly don't take anything for granted any more. Abigail is beautiful, and has fitted in really well; and we are so thankful to have her at home with us.

Coming home at 3 days old! What a blessing, we never got this moment with Hannah.

She looks a lot like her older sister! She has the same little nose, and some of the same facial expressions too. It's a sweet reminder of Hannah Grace, but also hard at times because I look at Abby and miss Hannah a lot. If Hannah was still here I'm sure she would be enjoying her new little baby sister.

 

4 weeks old

 

Abigail is actually 5 weeks old now, but life with her is so busy so I haven't had a chance to come on here and update my blog until now! But wanted to announce that she has arrived :)

 

 Cuddles with Mummy at one month old

September 4th 2012

Ok so this post is over a month late now. I have had so much happening, and I guess coming on here to post has just seemed too daunting. I haven't known how to put anything into words. I still don't, but I will make an attempt. And over the next week I am going to attempt to bring this blog back up to date again.

September 4th 2012 - One Year On

When Jeremy left for work that morning I just lay in bed crying... I couldn't seem to stop. Jeremy felt really bad leaving me like that, and I know he was hurting too, but he still had to go to work. 

I have so many traumatic memories from the day Hannah died, it's horrible. I saw and felt and heard things no Mother should ever have to experience. I try not to dwell on the trauma that we went through, but significant dates like the 4th bring all the memories back again. So on the morning of the 4th I felt so drained. And stressed. And sad. And lonely. 

I didn't have any strength left, so was just hoping the Lord would carry me through the day. And He did.

I felt like I went through all those painful emotions on Fathers day already, and now 2 days later I was having to go through them all again. Last year it was Sunday the 4th Sept, Fathers Day, that Hannah passed away in my arms. This year Fathers Day was the 2nd Sept, and the 4th was on a Tuesday, so it felt like I had to face the anniversary of her passing twice within 2 days. 

I was emotionally exhausted.

I'm so thankful for the hope of the future, that is promised in the Bible in Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." How I long for that heavenly day.

At about midday I went to the park where we held Hannah's memorial service to meet Jeremy during his work lunch break. We had planned to have a special anniversary lunch in memory of Hannah Grace. And thankfully the weather was sunny and warm. I packed a special picnic, including butterfly serviettes left over from Hannah's birthday celebration. 

When we met up Jeremy announced that he had taken the afternoon off work so that he could spend it with me, because he hated me being on my own when I was so upset. He said he wanted me to know I was more important to him than his work. I actually just stood there staring at him, in disbelief. And then fell into his arms in tears of joy as it sunk in that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I felt so loved by him that he would do this for our family!  

It meant we were able to spend the afternoon together, processing together, and remembering Hannah together. It meant instead of a lonely, stressful afternoon on my own, Jeremy and I had a peaceful afternoon doing things as a couple to remember our daughter. We spent the time walking through the beautiful park together. I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me with such a loving husband. I could never have coped through this journey without him by my side.

Here is a photo collage of photos we took that afternoon for Hannah Grace...

And some that we took for our rainbow baby (at 31 weeks)...

We also scattered some pink petals in the river, from the same bridge that we did this from after Hannah's memorial service last year. It felt both really special, and kind of unreal, to be doing that again after a whole year has passed.

In the evening we had a picnic dinner with my parents at Hannah's grave site. It was nice to just sit there and reflect on her life, and the sunset we saw while there was fittingly beautiful.

However the sunset soon turned into a thunder and lightening and hail storm... fortunately once our dinner was finished. It appears heaven was celebrating one year since Hannah's arrival! It was an impressive display. And certainly lively, just like Hannah was. We rushed back to the car and sat in it just watching the amazing heavenly firework display.

 

And that's a summery of our day. September 4th 2012. One year since we said farewell our precious first daughter. One year since she joined the Lord in heaven. I don't know what else to say... it was a day full of emotion. Too many emotions to be able to put into words. 

But overall a day of loving Hannah and commemorating as a family the short time that we were blessed to share with her.

Hannah's 1st Birthday

(Post from August 29^th – I’ve been a bit slow putting it up on here sorry!)

Happy 1st Birthday to our beautiful daughter Hannah Grace Frances ♥

It's hard to believe it has been a year since we first met you and held you in our arms. Your Daddy and I will never forget the moment you were born – we remember hearing the nurse announce “It’s a girl”, which was followed by your very loud cry! What an amazing sound that was. We didn’t know what state you would be in when you were born, so we were so thankful to hear you cry and to find that you were strong, breathing by yourself, and doing well. 

Although we soon discovered you did have some significant health issues, the doctors thought maybe they weren’t as bad as they had anticipated; and we all hoped and prayed for the best. Your test results at the end of that day confirmed our worst fears, but you beat the odds and fought to stay with us for 6 days. We will forever treasure every single moment from that week we got to spend with you.

We love you so much precious girl and miss you every single day. You have brought, and continue to bring, so much joy into our lives ♥ 

While there is extreme pain in missing you, we are so thankful that the Lord gave you to us for the time that He did. Although we cry, you regularly make us smile too. We can’t help but have joy because of the precious gift that you are to us. And your life has blessed so many others around the world as well - what a legacy you have left. 

Hope you are celebrating your birthday in heaven today Hannah. I like to imagine you having a party with the angels; but I know that whatever you are doing, you are experiencing nothing but love and happiness with the Lord. 

 

Know that as your family we are celebrating here, as we are so thankful for your life and the precious time we got to spend with you. Your little sister has been kicking lots today by the way – I think she has been excited that it’s your birthday and wanted to make sure we knew it! 

I made you a 1^st birthday cake and some party food too. The cake was in your colours of pink and white, and had butterflies on it just like you had on your blanket. I enjoyed making it for you. We lit the one candle, but felt a real sense of loss in you not being here to blow it out. Your Granddad did it for you. I’m sure you would have enjoyed doing it with him and eating your cake if you were here – I can just imagine the mess! Seeing as you aren’t here we enjoyed it on your behalf. I missed you and thought about you with every bite that I took though. 

  

You got lots of birthday cards and gifts too by the way... you are loved by so many people. 

Your birthday was very hard for me emotionally. I miss you so so so much precious girl. This is not the way things should be. You should be here with us. Celebrating your 1st birthday here with us. We shouldn't have to do this alone. It's not fair, and it's not right. However sadly it is our reality.

But it was still nice to be able to celebrate your birthday and your life, because even though you aren’t here with us any more, you are still part of our family and still worth celebrating! 

God, please give Hannah Grace Frances a big birthday hug from us. Please tell her we love her.We know you love her even more than we do, and are thankful that she is safe in your arms until we meet her again.

Hannah Grace... sending you lots of love, today on your 1st birthday, and every day.

 

From your Daddy, Mummy, and little sister xxx

Neonatal unit donation for Hannah's 1st Birthday

In just a few weeks we will be celebrating Hannah Grace's first birthday. On the 29th of August. I can hardly believe it is almost a year since we first met her and held her in our arms. 

Sadly a year later Hannah isn’t here with us, and we can’t just buy her the standard one year old birthday presents. But we still want to do something special for her birthday.

Jeremy and I have decided we would like to take a big basket of items to the Christchurch neonatal unit to donate in Hannah's memory. This is where we spent all of our time with her, and we are so thankful for the care she received there. But having a baby in the unit is so stressful for families, so we want to encourage and bless them. Just as we were blessed by friends while we were in there.

I know from experience how difficult it was for me having a baby in the neonatal intensive care unit, and spending all of my time in there with her. Jeremy and I lived in a room on the neonatal floor for the week that Hannah was in the unit, and our whole life revolved around her and her needs. That unit is a world of its own. When you are in there, nothing outside of it seems to matter. Many parents face having their baby in there for months. Some of the babies have life threatening conditions, and each day is a battle. And some of the Mums have other children to still take care of, health issues of their own, or little support from friends and family.

So our plan is to collect new items that we will put together into pretty encouragement parcels for some of those parents and their babies. We will do some packs with baby items that are helpful in the neonatal setting, and some packs with items to help and encourage the Mums themselves. Jeremy and I are collecting the donations, so we can visit the unit and take all the gifts in together.

If Hannah’s life touched you in any way, would you consider donating something??

We are collecting NEW items; such as hand/foot print kits, little hats, prem size baby clothes, blankets, small soft toys, and pampering items for the mums. Or other things you think might be useful. If you have an idea but are unsure if it is suitable, feel free ask me. We would love it if items could be dropped off to us or my parents this week, or at the latest in the next 10 days.

Read on for more information about each of the item ideas…

Hand/Foot print kits: These give the opportunity for parents to create keepsake memories of their baby. Whether or not their baby ends up making it and coming home, having a nice kit to take their hand or foot prints is a special way of capturing these. When Hannah was in the unit a nurse got some ink prints of her feet on a little medical card, and I am so thankful for those prints, but it would have been cool to have something a little nicer to hold this special memory.

Little hats and premature sized baby clothes: These are always useful. Especially for babies that are born very premature, as their parents probably weren’t expecting their birth yet, so may not be prepared. Small woollen hats are especially helpful, as little babies aren’t able to regulate their body temperatures, and these help keep them warm. Little clothes are good too, especially ones that can be easily put on and taken off. And ones that can work around tubes are extra helpful!

Blankets: Having a cute little blanket to wrap baby in is really nice. Blankets made of natural materials (eg. wool) are especially good, as they breathe. It is nice for parents to have pretty blankets to cover their baby, to wrap them in when holding them, and as special keepsakes to take home with them afterwards. I treasure each of the blankets that Hannah used while in the unit, and will always keep them in her special memory box. They bring back a lot of memories. 

 

Small soft toys: Little teddy bears etc. are nice to have on baby’s cot or beside their incubator in the unit. They also make nice keepsakes afterwards as they are a special reminder of that time of baby’s life. Hannah’s teddy bears were in lots of her photos, and now they sit in her room as a reminder of her.

Items especially for the Mums:  Little items for Mum like a nice hand lotion, lip balm, a chocolate bar, barley sugars, and little boxes of juice for energy, are really helpful when you are spending most of your time at your baby’s side. When Hannah was in the NICU I certainly found these little things handy and encouraging. For example a friend bought in a pack of little boxes of orange juice for us, and they were just the right size for a little pick me up when I was hot and thirsty and tired in the neonatal unit. The unit is kept at a high temperature to keep the babies warm, so your skin dries out a lot too. Another friend sent me a gift box with body lotion and shower gel which was nice, and that scent became something that I will always associate with Hannah. 

Items can be dropped off to us or to my parents. Please do so in the next week! Jeremy and I will then put all the gifts together and take them in to the neonatal unit for Hannah’s birthday.

Financial donations – If you are unable to buy an item/some items and drop them off to us (for example for those of you who live far away), but you would still like to give something towards Hannah’s birthday gift, we are also collecting financial donations. We have talked to the manager of the Christchurch neonatal unit, and she has requested that we raise some money to buy some ‘Play with a Purpose’ packs for their unit. Read on for more information…

Play with a Purpose Packs: These packs cost $5 each, and contain some small toys to provide a distraction for children who are spending time at the hospital (either themselves, or with their siblings). Items vary depending on age but can include things such as bubble mixture, a squeezy ball, stickers or a book. An information card explaining to caregivers how to distract the child using the toys is also part of the pack. 

Christchurch hospital already has Play with a Purpose packs in its Children’s Acute Assessment Unit, and the staff in CAAU love being able to give the play packs to the children they care for as it helps make the experience more positive for everybody. Results from this ward and others that have used them have shown that these packs benefit children, parents, family and staff. Children’s anxiety, frustration and discomfort is managed better and they are less stressed.

The Christchurch neonatal unit doesn’t have any Play with a Purpose packs currently, but would love to be able to buy some. The manager of the neonatal floor would love to see money raised so that these packs can be provided for siblings of babies in the unit, as they have to spend a lot of time in the hospital environment. It is a stressful time for their parents, so these packs would be a huge help in keeping older siblings entertained. We have told the unit manager we will try to raise some money in memory of Hannah, so that we can purchase some packs for them for her birthday.

If you would like to donate money for us to purchase some of these Play with a Purpose packs for the unit, please message me and I will give you our bank account number so you can do this.

Thank you SO much to everyone who has already indicated they want to donate something! And thank you in advance to those of you who still will. It means so much to us, as it will to the parents who receive the donations, and we REALLY appreciate you doing this for Hannah Grace. We’re missing her a lot as her birthday approaches, but it is nice to be able to bless others in her memory. It is healing to be able to bring some good out of our pain.

Thanks, we look forward to hearing from you and receiving some items over the next week!! If you have any questions please just ask.

God bless,

Jeremy, Rebecca, Hannah, & Bubs

Baby loss awareness - Day of Hope

August 19th, an international Day of Hope, is about honouring and remembering the lives of babies and children that could not stay with us. By doing this we are speaking out about the death of babies and children.

August 19th is a day to break down the walls of society that keep pregnancy, infant and child loss a hush hush subject. People view the death of a baby as just a sad thing that happened. These babies that die are not sad things that happen. They are people, much loved and wanted children. They are brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, grandsons and granddaughters.

August 19th is about openly speaking about these children and celebrating their short lives.

By having this special day once a year we get people speaking about pregnancy, infant and child loss. And by doing this we break those walls down so that people are not afraid to speak about these children anymore.

I'm not afraid to speak about this. Jeremy and I didn't just lose a baby, we lost our daughter. It wasn't just a sad thing that happened, it has altered our lives forever. Our family will always have a hole here on earth, as our first child is in heaven. Some people may choose to ignore our pain, or push it aside because it's just too hard to think about, but we don't have that luxury. Our daughter died and that is our reality now. And we won't ever ignore or forget her - in our family she will always be talked about and acknowledged. We will always love her, just as we will always love her little sister, and any other children the Lord blesses us with in the future.

I am so thankful to the Lord for my husband, and my two precious daughters.

Family photo taken on my birthday last week