September 4th 2012

Ok so this post is over a month late now. I have had so much happening, and I guess coming on here to post has just seemed too daunting. I haven't known how to put anything into words. I still don't, but I will make an attempt. And over the next week I am going to attempt to bring this blog back up to date again.

September 4th 2012 - One Year On

When Jeremy left for work that morning I just lay in bed crying... I couldn't seem to stop. Jeremy felt really bad leaving me like that, and I know he was hurting too, but he still had to go to work. 

I have so many traumatic memories from the day Hannah died, it's horrible. I saw and felt and heard things no Mother should ever have to experience. I try not to dwell on the trauma that we went through, but significant dates like the 4th bring all the memories back again. So on the morning of the 4th I felt so drained. And stressed. And sad. And lonely. 

I didn't have any strength left, so was just hoping the Lord would carry me through the day. And He did.

I felt like I went through all those painful emotions on Fathers day already, and now 2 days later I was having to go through them all again. Last year it was Sunday the 4th Sept, Fathers Day, that Hannah passed away in my arms. This year Fathers Day was the 2nd Sept, and the 4th was on a Tuesday, so it felt like I had to face the anniversary of her passing twice within 2 days. 

I was emotionally exhausted.

I'm so thankful for the hope of the future, that is promised in the Bible in Revelation 21:4 "He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." How I long for that heavenly day.

At about midday I went to the park where we held Hannah's memorial service to meet Jeremy during his work lunch break. We had planned to have a special anniversary lunch in memory of Hannah Grace. And thankfully the weather was sunny and warm. I packed a special picnic, including butterfly serviettes left over from Hannah's birthday celebration. 

When we met up Jeremy announced that he had taken the afternoon off work so that he could spend it with me, because he hated me being on my own when I was so upset. He said he wanted me to know I was more important to him than his work. I actually just stood there staring at him, in disbelief. And then fell into his arms in tears of joy as it sunk in that I wouldn't be alone anymore. I felt so loved by him that he would do this for our family!  

It meant we were able to spend the afternoon together, processing together, and remembering Hannah together. It meant instead of a lonely, stressful afternoon on my own, Jeremy and I had a peaceful afternoon doing things as a couple to remember our daughter. We spent the time walking through the beautiful park together. I am so thankful that the Lord has blessed me with such a loving husband. I could never have coped through this journey without him by my side.

Here is a photo collage of photos we took that afternoon for Hannah Grace...

And some that we took for our rainbow baby (at 31 weeks)...

We also scattered some pink petals in the river, from the same bridge that we did this from after Hannah's memorial service last year. It felt both really special, and kind of unreal, to be doing that again after a whole year has passed.

In the evening we had a picnic dinner with my parents at Hannah's grave site. It was nice to just sit there and reflect on her life, and the sunset we saw while there was fittingly beautiful.

However the sunset soon turned into a thunder and lightening and hail storm... fortunately once our dinner was finished. It appears heaven was celebrating one year since Hannah's arrival! It was an impressive display. And certainly lively, just like Hannah was. We rushed back to the car and sat in it just watching the amazing heavenly firework display.

 

And that's a summery of our day. September 4th 2012. One year since we said farewell our precious first daughter. One year since she joined the Lord in heaven. I don't know what else to say... it was a day full of emotion. Too many emotions to be able to put into words. 

But overall a day of loving Hannah and commemorating as a family the short time that we were blessed to share with her.