Hannah would have been 6 months old today. 29th Feb 2012. Good thing it's a leap year, or this date wouldn't have existed! Significant dates are really hard - I have cried a lot today. Each one is another reminder that Hannah isn't here with us, and that time is moving on without her; and it feels so wrong. It's hard to believe half a year has passed since she was born. It feels like just yesterday, but at the same time it also feels like an eternity ago.
Tonight Jeremy and I went to the park beside the hospital where Hannah was born, to spend time talking about her and processing together. We love and miss our precious daughter so much.
Happy Valentines day Hannah Grace. I love you gorgeous girl, and just want to remind you of that today. Although I'm sure you already know :) You knew nothing but love for all of your life. And you showed us so much love. Our lives are forever changed because of the love you brought into our world.
I am so thankful for you, and for your wonderful Daddy who I also love so much. I know you loved him too! He is an amazing husband and Dad. This is our 8th Valentines day that we are celebrating together - and it is hard to believe how much things have changed in that time.
In this past year especially he has loved, protected, provided for, encouraged, and sacrificed so much for both you and I; even though it has been far from easy. Last year we had the most challenging year of our lives, but came out of it with a stronger marriage than what we went into it with. That's not something I take for granted. I'm not really into the commercial side of Valentines day, but I do think it's a good opportunity to celebrate and to appreciate those we love. We might as well take any opportunity we get to do that :) I am also thankful for the One I love the most - my Lord and Saviour. Without my relationship with Him, I don't know how I would be surviving this journey. Each day God gives me the strength and grace that I need to put one foot in front of the other and step forward. It's not easy, and He doesn't take away the pain. He gives me purpose, and hope, even in the midst of my pain. God blessed us so much by giving us you, Hannah! And we know you are safe with Him until we are reunited with you in heaven.
This valentines day my heart aches, but at the same time it is also full of love.
I miss you princess. Today was five months since you left us to be with your heavenly Daddy. Every passing month gets harder, as we get further and further away from our time holding you and our memories with you. We will always remember you, but I feel more distant from you with each passing day. Why do I have to wait so long to hear your beautiful voice and see your pretty face again?
Yesterday I cried thinking of you when listening to a song in the car. The song said “I am going to be someone”. I thought “who am I?” Somehow I didn’t really know, and I wasn’t sure why. I felt empty and without purpose. Although things were going well that day, I didn’t know who I was, or where I was heading. I realised that the person I had planned to be over the past year was a Dad - your Dad. And without that, a huge part of who I am (or am meant to be) has been taken away from me.
But my Daddy in heaven is teaching me that who I am is more than just a Dad. I am a husband, a son, a brother and a friend. I am also still your Dad, even though I have to wait to hold you again. And even more than all of these, I am a child of the most incredible Daddy – our Father in heaven who you are with and who I can’t wait to meet.
God, please continue to look after my darling princess till I can see her again.
Hannah Grace, Sorry I didn't get on here on the 29th of January to say it, but Happy 5 month birthday to you precious girl! We love you so much.
I wonder what your face would look like now, if you were still here with us? I bet you would look a lot older than how we remember you, as a newborn. I'm sure you would be just as beautiful though :) Would your hair still be dark? Would your eyes still be blue? Would you still be just as loud when you were put to bed?! I can only imagine. God has given me a few dreams of you alive, and as an older baby. You looked gorgeous in those, and had the sweetest smile, giggle, and personality; and I treasure those pictures from the Lord. I wish they were real and we could watch you grow up. We miss you so much. But at the same time, what a blessing for your sake that you are with the Lord in heaven don't have to suffer the pain that is in this world.
On January 29th, for your 5 month birthday, your Daddy and I were away on holiday in Hanmer Springs. We enjoyed having a relaxing weekend away together, but thought of you constantly and wished you were there with us. As we put our bags in the hotel room, I imagined in my head where in the room I would have set up the portacot. As we ate dinner at the restaurant, I imagined us having the pram beside our table and rocking you to sleep. As we went for a walk through the forest, I imagined Jeremy carrying you in the front pack and you giggling as he entertained you. As we drove home, I imagined us having to stop along the way to feed you and change your nappy. I wish these things were real, and I didn't have to imagine. Instead, when I sat in the hotel room I cried. And when we sat a picnic table in the forest, I cried. Your Daddy hugged me and reminded me how much he loves you and misses you too. He is such an amazing husband and Dad! But at the same time, being out in God's beautiful creation reminded me of God's presence. His presence that is with me, no matter what storm I am facing, and what pain my heart feels. What an encouragement that is - to know that I don't have to walk this journey of grief alone. And looking around at the scenery in Hanmer made me wonder how incredibly beautiful heaven must be, where you are.
To celebrate you turning 5 months old, your Daddy and I wrote your name in berries in Hanmer forest.
I also found this beautiful purple flower that reminded me of the beauty of heaven. I made an 'H' for your name on the bridge (seeing as your Daddy loves bridges!)
I saw this verse from Psalm 62 shared a few days ago, and it spoke to my heart:
I am so thankful to the Lord that He is our refuge in times of need. No matter what is going on in our lives, we can trust Him. He wants us to pour out our hearts to Him. He loves us. And in Him, we have hope.