8 months since we said goodbye

Dear Hannah Grace,

Today marks 8 months since you left our arms for those of our Lord. We miss you desperately. On most days I am able to focus on the joy that you brought into our lives, but today my mind has been plagued by traumatic memories from your last 12 hours with us. 

I will never forget your last few minutes before you entered heaven; your grandparents and aunty had left the room for a little bit, to give your Daddy and I some time alone with you. We stood by the window, looking out over the park on a warm sunny Spring day. Fathers Day. You were in my arms, and I held you up close so that your face was against mine. I kissed you over and over and told you how much I loved you. Your Daddy stood beside, his arms around both of us. He told me that God was calling you home and I had to let you go to Him – and as the tears streamed down my cheeks and I whispered ‘ok’, you took your last breath. I had been fighting to keep you, and you had been fighting so hard to stay with us; but in that moment, you seemed to know that I was finally releasing you to our Lord. As I gave you the permission to go, you left our world and entered the glory of heaven. 

Amazingly, you died right at the same moment that our whole church were praying for us; and I think that's why your final passing was so peaceful. 

We called our family in, and all stood together hugging each other as we wept. And in the hours that followed, I just held you close and cried. I had no idea what we were meant to do next – all I knew was that I didn’t want to let you go. 

Our pastors came in to be with us, as did my midwife. When I got overwhelmed by the emotion of holding you, each of your grandparents held you for one final time. So did your Daddy. Your two grandmothers gave you a bath and dressed you in a beautiful pink dress and cardigan. The funeral director was called, and he came up to the hospital to meet us and talk us through a few things; although I don’t think I heard much. Handing you over to him, having to say goodbye to you, and watching him walk away, was harder than I ever could have imagined. It tore me to pieces. That was the last time we would see you this side of heaven.  

An hour later we walked out of the hospital with empty arms and broken hearts. 

Hannah Grace, I hope you know that you are so loved. We think about you and talk about you all the time, and we miss you every single day. You are so precious to us, and I desperately long to see you again. I don’t think 8 months passing has lessened the pain that we feel. Some days I don’t cry, other days I cry over and over again. But the pain is always real.

There will always be a gap in our family because you, our oldest child, are in heaven. 

I love you, sweet girl.