Today marks 3 months since I held you, precious girl. Since I had to watch you deteriorate as you lay in my arms. Since you left us to be with the Lord. Since our lives changed forever.
Every moment of every day, I miss having you with me. But I also miss the simpler things that I can’t do now– like buying cute outfits and dressing you in them, taking photos of you, wrapping you up nice and warm in a blanket, changing your nappy, bathing you, feeding you, and taking you for walks in the pram. Instead I am looking back at photos from our short time with you, putting your clothes and blankets and keepsakes into a memory box, designing your headstone, and visiting your grave. This isn’t what a Mum should be doing 3 months after her baby is born! I’m sad I didn’t get to bring you home and show you off to people – I know lots of our friends wish they got to hold you and cuddle you and see your beautiful eyes gazing up at them. Instead of people looking at me because they think my baby is cute, and coming up to me to meet you, they keep their distance and just look at me with expressions of pity. How different things would be if you were physically still here with us now. Every time I see another baby, it all comes flashing back – I see all the experiences that other parents get, that we are missing out on with you; and all the memories we will never get the chance to create. And inside, my heart breaks all over again.
Lord, I pray that you would hold Hannah Grace extra close today. Thank you for the precious gift that she is to us. Please remind her that her Mummy and Daddy love her so much. And please continue to give us the strength that we need to go on with life here on earth without her.