Going back

Last week Jeremy and I went back to visit the neonatal unit. We had made a thank-you card for the staff team there, and wanted to take it to them in person. We also took in a special gift for the NICU unit – a beautiful wool blanket that my Gran had knitted, in memory of Hannah Grace. Gran wanted to do something special for Hannah, so she made a blanket in Hannah’s colours to keep future NICU babies warm. So special! The staff at the unit were so thankful for both the blanket and the card. They were surprised to see us back so soon! But said they really appreciated us coming in to thank them in person, even though it was hard to do.

 The thank you poster card I made. 

Background: pink blossom in our garden that reminds me of Hannah

I had mixed emotions going back to the hospital, and especially to the neonatal floor. We were only planning to drop the card off to reception, but a nurse came and took us into the unit itself. Although we were in the exact place where Hannah was, somehow it looked different to me. The sounds were the same, and the set-up similar, but it felt like a different place. I don’t know why – maybe it was just because I knew Hannah wasn’t there any more. It was hard to go back, as it was another reminder that Hannah is gone. I wish that when I walked through those doors, I could have seen her lying in her bed, or heard her crying; and could have held her close one more time.

However in some ways it was also quite comforting to be back at the unit again. It is a place where I feel close to Hannah, because it is there that we shared our precious time with her. It holds so many wonderful memories! But also many painful ones. I spent so many hours holding and cuddling my beautiful daughter there, but I also had to sit in that room and hold her in my arms while she died. No Mother should ever have to do that.

One of the hardest things about our visit was actually that while we were there, we saw a couple leaving the unit with their new baby – taking her home for the first time. I was thankful for them that their baby had improved enough to leave the unit, but so sad for us that our baby didn’t. Once again the realisation sunk in for me that we never got to take Hannah home. And we never will get to. I can’t help but cry when I think about this reality… it just doesn’t seem fair. It’s not how things should be, and it hurts so bad. I miss Hannah Grace every minute of every day. 

But I do know that God is the same yesterday, today, and forever. The same God that blessed us with 6 wonderful days with Hannah, and was with us all through every moment in that neonatal unit, is still with us now. He is holding Hannah Grace in His arms in heaven, and He is carrying Jeremy and I through each day without her here on earth. 

God – please pass on to Hannah Grace that her Mummy and Daddy love her and miss her xxx