I have been thinking about how God is still good, even when bad things happen. It is hard for me to reconcile in my mind the idea that a loving God could allow my beautiful baby to die, but I still believe in His love and faithfulness. His character doesn’t change based on our circumstances - and I am so thankful for that! For the first week after Hannah died, I felt slightly abandoned by God. I felt like He had let us down somehow, even though I knew in my head that this wasn’t the case. But I began to realise that Hannah did so much better than the doctors thought she should have done based on her condition - and they couldn't explain that. And that we got far more time with her than they expected. So maybe, it was actually only thanks to God that we got the amazing time with Hannah that we did. Maybe if it wasn’t for the Lord, she would not have even lasted until full term. Maybe it was only by the grace of God that we got a whole week to love Hannah, get to know her, and bond with her. Maybe He was the one who allowed us to have so much joy in that week. I realised I should be thanking God for his grace in giving us what He did, rather than blaming Him for what we didn’t get.
“And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.” Romans 8:28
A few people have asked me if I have doubted my faith in God through this journey. And the truth is, no I haven’t. Of course I have questions for Him though! I have wondered why God didn’t answer our prayer for healing, how God could allow such a precious baby to die, and why it had to happen to us. When I think about the verse in Romans 8:28, I wonder what good could come out of Hannah dying that couldn’t have come out of her living – surely God could have used her even more if she had lived for 90 plus years? But at the same time as asking all these questions, I still trust God. His understanding is so far beyond mine. And to be honest, I don’t really need or want the answers to my questions. Even if God gave me a reason as to why Hannah died, I don’t think it would make me feel any better, because it wouldn’t bring her back! My pain and grief is not from a lack of answers, but from missing my daughter. Maybe when I get to heaven, and am reunited with my precious Hannah, God will reveal his reasons. Or it’s possible I won’t even know then. But in the meantime, I continue to trust that God sees the big picture, and that He is still in control. And I’m so glad He is – because I don’t want that responsibility!
Of course I wish that things could be different – I’m not saying that I’m content with the fact that I had to say goodbye to Hannah Grace. But I do still have hope in the Lord. I know that Hannah’s life lives on; but I wish that it was here with us, not in heaven. Jeremy and I have been left behind with no baby, and so much pain… and many questions for God. But God has been, and always will be, faithful; I truly believe that. We aren’t going to walk away from Him now, just because we are suffering. In fact we need Him now more than ever.
"To overcome adversity is to allow adversity to 'overcome' you. You allow those heartaches, pains, and perplexities to break apart the 'rock of resistance' in your character, to lay you low, to humble you, so that you run--not walk, run--to Jesus. In the shadow of His wings, in the safety of His arms, in the cleft of His rock, in the shelter of His fortress, in the hollow of His hand, you then find safety." [Quote from Joni Eareckson Tada]